I want to let you know first of all that I love you and forgive you for what this has done in my life. I also wanted to let you know exactly what your porn use has done to me. You may think that this affects only your and mom’s relationship. But it has had a profound impact on me and my siblings.
I found your porn on the computer around the age of 12 or so, just when I was starting to become a young woman. First of all, it seemed very hypocritical to me that you were trying to teach me the value of what to let into my mind in terms of movies, yet here you were entertaining your mind with this. Your talks to me about being careful with what I watched meant nothing.
Because of pornography, I was aware that mom was not the only woman you were looking at. I became acutely aware of your wandering eye when we were out and about. This taught me that all men have a wandering eye. I learned to distrust men for the way they saw women.
As far as modesty goes, you tried to talk with me about how my dress affects those around me and how I should value myself for what I am on the inside. Your actions told me that I would only ever truly be beautiful and accepted if I looked like the women on magazine covers or in porn. Your talks with me meant nothing and just made me angry.
As I grew older, I only had this message reinforced by the culture we live in. I also learned to trust you less and less, as what you told me didn’t line up with what you did. I wondered more and more if I would ever find a man who would accept me and love me for me.
When I had friends over, I wondered how you perceived them. Did you see them in one of your fantasies? No girl should have to wonder that about the man who is supposed to be protecting her.
I did meet a man. One of the first things I asked him about was his use of pornography. I’m thankful it is something that hasn’t had a grip on his life. We still have had struggles because of the distrust in my heart for men. Your porn watching has affected my relationship with my husband years later.
If I could tell you one thing, it would be this: Porn didn’t just affect your life; it affected everyone around you. I dread the day when I have to talk with my little boy about pornography and its greedy hands. When I tell him about how pornography affects far more than just us.
I do pray that you are past this and that men who struggle with this will have their eyes opened.
Love, Your Daughter